


Ocean Eyes

by EvertheOptimistWaywardAF



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Third Person Limited, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, supernatural season 14
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 12:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19441651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvertheOptimistWaywardAF/pseuds/EvertheOptimistWaywardAF
Summary: A series of short, thoughtful prose about Castiel and his feelings about the world around him, connected with a hunt with Dean and Jules that goes a little sideways.





	1. Cobalt Blue

Castiel is the type of angel to constantly get summonings. 

He’s known as being one of the most beautiful angels in Heaven, and he’s also more relaxed about ‘fake’ summonings, compared to his siblings, who would smite an entire town if they were summoned for any reason. There’s the occasional burning of eyes and accidentally turning people into salt, but otherwise, Castiel is a beautiful subject and artists would kill to paint him. 

Now that less people believe in angels, and less people summon angels to do frescos of, Castiel gets to relax. He’d mostly forgotten the frescos until he ended up looking through old religious paintings for a case and he found many of his old, outdated paintings and was a little embarrassed by how he looked back then, like looking back at a Middle School yearbook in the human experience, but with all his glory in oil paints. He was surprised to remember how many paintings he had, in fact, modeled for. He wished that he could take credit and get money for them. He hadn't asked for money before, obviously, as he was an angel and didn't need monetary items, but the money would be nice now with his two humans, Jack, and their friends. Dean and Sam were always short on money, and Castiel wished he could help, but there wasn't much he could do. 

He had also forgotten how many he had posed naked for. He wished he hadn't. He hoped that Jack would never see these, because he didn't want Jack to follow his example. Cas was happy that times had changed. He had been often viewed as an object, not just by humanity, but by his siblings, as being the pretty and dumb one. At least Jack was powerful, other than his gigantic golden wings, which had been a topic that Lucifer loved to bring up once he had met Jack. He was enthused, to say the least, at how beautiful Jack had become, completely ignoring Jack's personality and interests. Naomi once told Cas that he was lucky he was so beautiful, otherwise he wouldn't really have a purpose. Castiel had proved them all wrong by rising in the ranks, but that still hadn't stopped the teasing, and the other angels calling him emotional. If they had known humans, they would not have ever considered Cas as emotional. He wished they all knew the feeling when Dean said "you're dead to me" after Cas forgot to pick up more beer. 

Once in a while, somebody mentions that he was the most beautiful angel. Jack says that he trusted Cas because of his aura. Jack knew Cas more by feeling than his looks, which was refreshing. Jack said that Cas made him feel safe and loved. Cas tends to have that affect on people, even before he acclimated to a more human life style. He just doesn’t want anyone to mention his wings... they didn’t look the way they had once had, in the old frescos. Jack had accepted him, broken wings and all, and maybe Cas had to accept that he wasn’t the baby faced angel who posed for Michelangelo. Maybe they had all changed.


	2. Phthalo Emerald

Maybe it’s time to get back to the basics, Castiel thought. He watched Dean packing his bag, talking loudly to Jules, who was waiting for them to go, leaning against a pillar. She smiled in his direction, a soft type of smile, like she was saying “sorry for you loss, I miss them too”. She, after all, had been a close friend before… everything. He couldn’t really imagine what it was like for her to loose both of her friends. She considered him to be a friend, however.   
Cas remembered when he was dealing with death for the first time after he rebelled against Heaven. He had remembered Anna’s betrayal. He remembered Balthazar. But there was something different about death after that.   
Dean handled death with grace. When somebody died, he would go on a mission. 1) Bring the body home. 2) Pyre. 3) Wake. 4) Closure, if possible. Many times he didn’t really get number 4. Closure often meant killing the monster responsible, but even if Dean was able to do so, he was never really happy. Cas tried to avoid topics like Kevin and Charlie. Dean still thought about them painfully, as if they had just been alive yesterday, and they had just gone on a little vacation, to come back soon. But they weren’t going to be back.   
Cas loved the way Dean was so strong. He admired Dean’s persistence, his ability to get up every morning, sing show-tunes when he thought nobody was listening, and make breakfast for his family. He still had joy, even after he had seen so many horrible things. Dean was remarkable, intelligent. Nilistic but at the same time, he had hidden hope inside, shining in the way he used to look at Jack. The way he looked in a hunt, ignoring the blood and the violence, sweat dripping down his forehead, knowing that he was going to save somebody’s life.   
Cas wondered how resilient somebody had to be to keep going like that. And then he seemed to remember that he had done that also. He had kept fighting, staying alive, trying to prove to himself that there had been a reason the entire time. He had fallen easily to Jack’s idea of Paradise. Dean had been very angry at him after that, but not as bad as now. They didn’t really meet each other’s eyes, but… Cas still had hope. And so did Sam, with his ever hovering, nervous hope that the cold war between Cas and Dean would end.   
Cas hoped it would too.   
He wouldn’t say it, but he missed Dean.   
He missed Dean so much.


	3. Cadmium Lemon

The drive to the vampire nest was taking longer than they had wanted. Dean sat impatiently in the front seat. Jules had cautiously taken the passenger seat, her hair up in a messy bun. They were all suffering from the heat. Dean muttered about climate change and the fact that his car was 40 years old while Jules turned the page in her novel. Castiel stared out at the sky, watching the clouds float east. He found the notion that angels lived on clouds rather amusing. At first, he thought Uriel was lying, that humans thought they lived on clouds. Then he thought Uriel was lying that some humans thought angels were deceased humans. Uriel made a joke about humans being too childish to understand the complexities of being an angel. Castiel had always felt like standing up for the humans, but often times he agreed. Many humans were corrupt, specifically the ones that held any sort of power. Cas had been so amazed when he met Jack. Jack was a rare exception to Castiel's thought that power would corrupt, but... it did.

In small, unintentional ways, Jack had brought out the worst in the people around himself. He brought out Dean's anger and frustration. He had somehow caused Sam to covet him, worried that if he didn't protect and guide Jack, and if Jack had his own thoughts and explored the extent of his abilities, he would become evil. And he had given Cas a reason to die. To the contrary, Jack had always been about life. He loved being alive. He hadn't been plagued with the same problems as Sam, Dean, and Cas. He just missed his mother, and he wanted to share his life with the people he loved. He would talk about the little moments, about being hugged by Cas, watching Lost Boys with Dean on repeat, translating latin with Sam. Cas wished he loved life as much as Jack did. He wished he was excited about things the way Jack was, the way Jack loved candy, cereal, snakes, and astronomy. He could talk about the solar system for hours, and Castiel would listen, soaking up all of what Jack had to say, occasionally mentioning that he had helped make a star, or he knew who had designed a certain cluster, and Jack would get excited, and write it down. It was the only interest he had in Castiel's past anymore.

Neither of them really wanted to talk about Cas's family. It was too hard. This love of life... it was rather beautiful. Jack still believed in a plan. He felt that everything happened for a reason, that there was somebody out there planning things, that everything was going to be explained eventually, and that everyone would be happy. Castiel hoped to... eternity... that Jack was right, even though he had given up his belief in that a very long time ago. His belief had faded slowly but inevitably, and soon, it was as gone as Dean's belief.

"We're here," Dean finally said. Cas looked at him quietly, and Dean glanced away as fast as he could, his eyes landing on the stereo. He shut off the music and got out of the car, going around the back to grab his bag.

"Coming, Cas?" Jules asked. Cas wondered if she had been thinking about something similar. Jules had gone on more than a few hunts with him, Jack, and Mary. This was her first one with Dean. It was strange for her as well. "

Yes," Castiel said. He got out of the Impala, looking around. The sun beamed down, the sandy road reflecting a golden color everywhere. It almost felt like Jack was here, right now, telling him to keep believing, to keep loving his life, to let himself be happy, filling the world with his golden, radiant light. But Jack wasn't here at the moment. And the light just happened to be light. And nothing in the universe was planned out. There was no real point to any of it. Castiel just couldn't believe anymore.


	4. Permanent Orange

“Hey Cas, how is it going?” Sam asked. “Is Dean giving you a hard time?”  
“No, it’s alright.”  
“Should I head over there? Rowena and I are just finishing this case up.”  
“We can handle a few vampires,” Castiel said. Jules caught his eye, smiling. She mouthed something like “Helicopter Sam”.   
"Auch weh," Rowena said. "Only a few vampires? Who is he, Sarah Michelle Gellar?"   
"I can hear you."  
"Oh, 'ello Tweetie Pie! Sam, give me the phone!" Rowena said happily. "How is Jules?"  
"You can ask her yourself. She's right here. I wasn't aware you were acquainted."   
"Hey," Jules said loudly, grinning. "I'm good. How're you dealing?"  
"Better than last week," Rowena said. Cas suddenly felt like this was a conversation that he shouldn't be in. He didn't know much about Rowena's struggle. He didn't want to compare it to his own, but he knew that she was suffering. She was one of the few hunters that had sought out help. He had heard she was learning how to cope with traumatic flashbacks. On one hand, he didn't want to hurt her or pry into her business, and on the other hand, he'd like to know what she was doing. She had seemed considerably happier. Then again, being happy and being Castiel were two things that weren't exactly... not mutually exclusive. He had found that he wasn't compatible with happiness, and he probably would never be, or he might just die. "I could be better, but what's by is by, isn't it?"  
"Yea," Jules agreed.   
"Well, I would love to come and see you three in person if I'm invited," Rowena said.   
"Of course!" Jules said, looking to Cas. 

"Yes," Castiel agreed glumly, knowing that Sam's current helicopter attitude about he and Dean making up after their fight was about to ensue.   
"And I'll tell Sam to cool down about the whole deal. You're adults, after all," Rowena added. Castiel smiled, wondering how she knew what was on his mind. She was rather observational now, like Cas. A few years ago, she wouldn't've been able to tell anyone what Sam's eye color was. Now she was engulfed in their information, and she had become so important. She was like a friend they could talk to without worrying about her telling the other one. It didn't feel so much like gossip and more like a diary. Rowena had slowly fallen in love with Castiel, Jack, and the Winchesters, and she couldn't help but continue to soak up their emotions. Cas was sure it made her happy, to feel loved and needed. He wished he could feel that way again.

"Hey, anyways-" Sam said, getting back on the phone. "Tell Dean we're going to be there soon, alright? We're at a motel about two hours away." 

"I will." 

Cas knew that Sam always meant the best. He had seen Sam through his entire journey, from being a boy suffering an addiction, to a wise, compassionate man. Castiel's view of Sam had drastically changed in the years he had known him. Sam, in the beginning, had seemed like an ill-behaved child. Sam, now... his actions made more sense. He seemed to be in control. He was the leader of the hunters, and the warrior. Castiel saw himself in Sam, the leader who became too powerful too fast, a commander who had lost his army. Castiel admired Sam's bravery in the face of danger, and in the face of Sam's own depression. Sometimes Cas could see it dragging Sam down, the way he would forget to shave, or sleep in late, or leave his hair unbrushed. But still, Sam persisted. He got up every morning. He saved lives. He went home. Sam's courage was enormous, and Castiel had rarely seen somebody as brave as Sam in his time on Earth. Cas could hardly imagine Sam's pain. Rowena maybe understood a little better. She seemed to be the only person Sam wanted to talk to about it. Not even Dean got that courtesy, something that he was more than a little peeved about. And maybe it was just that... maybe Sam and Dean had grown apart too. They didn't share their lives like they used to. Sam didn't need Dean to take care of him, and Dean didn't need to worry about Sam, and therefore they both ended up unsure of how they would deal with their new predicament. 

"Was that Sam?" Dean asked. Jules nodded and repeated what Sam had said. Dean groaned. "We already have three people. He's going to hog the kills."  
"I'm fairly certain that we don't want to be outnumbered, Dean," Castiel said. Dean ignored him, the only hint that he heard Cas given away by a twitch of his mouth like he was about to snap right back with a sassy retort.   
"Tell Sam that when he gets here, he can shove his fancy books up his butt," Dean said. "I'm going for a drink."   
"Bye," Jules said quietly. They watched as Dean left, and then her eyes flicked to Castiel. "Cas... I want to talk about what happened. I..."  
"There's nothing to really talk about," Castiel said. He didn't intend it to be mean, but Jules' hopeful look faded.   
"Nobody wants to talk about the funeral," She finally said. "Nobody wants to talk about... anything."  
"If we talk, we fight," Cas said, looking out the window, watching a cab roll down the street. "Dean doesn't want to talk."  
"I care about them too, and nobody wants to tell me what really happened!" Jules said. "It doesn't even make sense. I... I never thought he would do something like that... and how he..."   
"I'm going to stake out the nest. See you tomorrow."  
"Tomorrow? No, Cas!"  
"Goodbye, Jules," Cas sighed. "Say hello to Sam for me."


	5. Napthol Scarlet

Castiel rather liked being alone. He had a lot of time to be alone, so he had gotten into more than a few hobbies. He liked reading old newspapers from the 1800s to 1900s that reminded him of times that had gone by a very long time ago. He liked to spend time writing. He had never gotten much farther than a first draft. He liked to draw. That was one of the things that had changed when Jack had come into their lives. He would draw Jack late at night. Jack liked the drawings, because he didn't see his own body the way Cas did. Jack didn't look much different in his true form. He looked rather human, but he liked the way Cas drew his wings. Jack wasn't aware of them all the time. They excited him. He liked to think he could travel the world with them, but he didn't do it when he had the chance. Jack had gotten to travel eventually, but that traveling had always been connected with running away... running to safety, or just running away from the truth. He had been to France, to Nepal, to Senegal, but he hadn't had enough time to enjoy it. Cas wanted to travel the world with Jack some day, and show him everything he could possible show Jack. Those dreams had been crushed, once again.   
Now that Castiel was alone, observing the vampire nest, he was finding entertainment in chewing gum. Jack had accidentally introduced gum to him while they were trying to figure out what people Jack's fake-age were supposed to act like. Jack had been fake-17 at the time, so they were looking up teenagers. Jack observed that many of the pictures showed teenagers on their phones, chewing gum. So, they got gum. Jack didn't like it very much, but Cas found it nice as a hobby because when he really had nothing else to do, it helped take his mind off of other things that he was avoiding.   
On the note of avoiding, there had been something Cas was avoiding... that everyone had been avoiding for a long time. Not just the fight between him and Dean, or the graveyard, or the funeral, or anything on that note. He had been avoiding thinking about Jack's father.

Castiel had met Lucifer when he was three. Lucifer had been the role model that everyone looked up to. He was a scarred hero from a battle that was told about in fairytales. Cas had heard many versions of this fairytale, that God had Lucifer trap some sort of Darkness, and that Lucifer had earned that scar on his arm for it. He hadn't shown signs of a descent into madness when Cas had met him. Actually, Lucifer seemed like a cruel but otherwise ordinary angel, aside from his outranking the rest of them. He had been strutting around, his beautiful wings shining, when he had spotted Castiel playing alone. Lucifer had walked over, looking down at Castiel, an eyebrow raised. Castiel thought that he was about to die.   
"What're you up to, stupid?" Lucifer had asked, flaunting his shiny blond hair.   
"Uh... nothing," Castiel remembered saying, his voice shaking.   
"Angels don't ding around," Lucifer said. Castiel stood up straight, looking down, his face red. "What's your name?"  
"Castiel."  
"Who is your boss?"  
"Anna," Castiel whispered. Lucifer groaned.   
"Bitch," He said. Castiel looked up, confused. "Oh, I just think she's stupid. She's all about 'humans' and what they can do for us, right?"  
"But father created humans," Castiel said.   
"Anna says the only way to save the universe is for angels to intermingle with humans, but clearly that's wrong. Otherwise, why would our Father have decreed Nephilim illegal?"   
"It's.... ineffable?" Castiel said. Lucifer looked down on him, a strange look on his face.   
"There are things you don't understand, Castiel," Lucifer said. "Anyways... what was I doing? Oh, yeah, deciding what to do with you."   
"I won't do it again," Castiel said, fully knowing that he would do it again.   
"I like your rebel spirit," Lucifer said. "Don't fix it, alright?"  
"Al- alright," Castiel had been so surprised by this turn of events. Watching Lucifer walk away, Cas would've never known what was going to come. That in the next few years, Lucifer would get worse and worse until he finally released his pent-up anger. He would go into the garden, give Eve an apple, and make it so that humanity would be flawed. He would design the first demons... the Shedim... Cain... Lilith... Azazel... and he would save Ramsey's life, accidentally creating an ally in her. He would go on to challenge Michael, and then Castiel would be deployed as a member of the Heavenly army with his friends, Balthazar, Ishim, Benjamin, and Miriam. They would fight along side each other against Lucifer's allies. Balthazar would fake his own death, and Castiel would mourn for the first time, only to discover that Balthazar had stolen Heaven's weapons. Gabriel would run away, leaving the rest of the archangels to duke it out, and sometime during all of that, God had left them. 

Now, at the end, it felt like Lucifer had been more correct than Cas had given him credit for. He became unrecognizable over time... every year in the cage was another year that Lucifer had gone too far to be saved. But sometimes Cas saw glimmers of the light bringer... the Lucifer he had known. Maybe the closest to the original Lucifer came in the way Lucifer looked at Jack. It was the same look that Lucifer had reserved for God and the archangels, but not so much anymore. The only archangel Lucifer had missed at the end was Gabriel, even after their fight. Perhaps, because they were rather like Sam and Jack, they could never really be angry. Sam had taught Jack so much, and had done so much as raised him, and Jack... he didn't want to be in the middle of the fight. He had run away repeatedly, and tried to stay safe, but in the end, neither Jack nor Gabriel could avoid the crossfire.

Castiel finally came back from this thoughts. He wondered what had happened to the vampire that had been sitting on the porch when he had a sickening feeling that he had been caught. He felt something strange... it was the feeling he got around Michael's monsters. He swore to himself, hoping that he was wrong, and turned around. 

"Hello," The vampire said cheerfully as the car door was wrenched open. Castiel fell onto the ground, pain sinking into his chest.... enochian handcuffs. 

"Oh, they shoulda known we'd be prepared!"


End file.
